Happy Rapture!

"It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine."

- R.E.M., "End of the World"

Hotel Hell

Dwight: Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time now. Check out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No, and the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: No, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town!
Jim: Can I have a late check out?
Dwight: I'll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You're not the manager...even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I'm the owner....the co-owner. With Satan!
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it... in your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: But I haven't told you my salary.
Jim: Go.
Dwight: Eighty thousand dollars a year!

Bieber Fever

"Jbiebs is god to those kids. Let's be honest. I even got bieber fever. Hahaha. I'm thinking of going to the doctor to get it checked out. I keep whipping my bangs to the side and pulling up my pants and saying "dawg" and telling all the shawtys to 'holla atchya boiii.'"

- My Sister, in reference to Justin Bieber

Three Day Rule

"Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..."

And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD", and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story."

- Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

Handsome Men's Club

From Jimmy Kimmel Live after the Oscars. Definitely one of the funniest skits I've seen.

Bothered

- The real Robert Pattinson is bothered by the fake Robert Pattinson

For more "I'm Bothered With Robert Pattinson" visit Robertisbothered.com

Pranks

[Michael reads off complaints filed by Dwight]
Michael Scott: OK, so Dwight, in your own words: "Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert."
Michael Scott: Everyone has called me "Dwayne" all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.
Jim Halpert: [to camera, laughs] Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.
Michael Scott: This morning, I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer.
Michael Scott: Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the women's room, when I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can.
Michael Scott: This morning, I knocked myself in the head with the phone.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] That actually took a while. I had to put- uh, more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.
Michael Scott: Every time I typed my name, it said "Diapers".
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Michael Scott: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.
Jim Halpert: [to camera] Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom, and that's how I spent the entire day that day.

From The Office

Change

"I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out."

~ David Sedaris, one of my favorite authors

Pack That

"Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!"

~Ari Gold, Entourage

Charlie Bit My Finger

"Ouch Charlie that really hurt..."

I Want My Money

"I want my money bitch!"

~Pearl, The Landlord

Hiphopopotamus

"Did Steve tell you? Steve..."

Jelly

"I don't even give a shit about the hives. I want jelly in the fucking house! STAT! PRONTO! TONIGHT! I don't give a-I will break your neck and pour jelly all over your body and PRAY TO THE GODS OF JELLY TO BURN YOUR SOUL IN A JELLY-LIKE HELL. Now GET THE JELLY!"

~Dane Cook